Friday, April 18, 2014

Coming Soon....More STUFF!

Hey! Just a heads up to all my faithful readers (my Aunt Martha and my Gynecologist's secretary's sister)! I've been working on setting up a Facebook Page to go w/this blog. I'll post funny content, content to get you thinking and links to this exciting!

You can also follow me on Twitter! Right now! This minute! KelOBake is my handle, nickname, twitter ID, so come check me out.

I'm going away for a much needed vacation so look for the FB page to be ready to go around May 1st! Free tinfoil* hats to the first 100 Followers!

Enjoy your Easter. I'll leave you with a lovely Easter bunny photo from

Shortly after this photo was taken
 young Byron was taken for psychiatric counseling

*some assembly required - size fits "most"

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Shave Your Legs...Or Wear High Socks?

Spring has sprung ... In Maine it's more like it's being dragged kicking and screaming towards us. Maybe where you are you experience spring on a somewhat regular schedule in Northern New England we don't.
We have mini seasons between winter and spring. Here, let me walk you down the path of so-called spring in our part of this hemisphere;
Still Winter. Still Winter is what we have on the first day of spring, the vernal equinox. We say "yay it's spring" and we remove one tenth of a layer of clothing, usually our third pair of socks. We go back outside and continue to move the snow from one side of the driveway to another in a feeble attempt to make a passable route out.
Late Winter. Late Winter is when two days in a row we are above 32° and it's not snowing, sleeting, freezing rain, or any combo thereof. The sun does not have to be out. We will however briefly take off another layer of clothing and complain about this "goddamn" global warming. We get a torch out to melt the ice off our mailboxes.
Later winter. Later Winter follows Late Winter. That's when in most of the region the gray, black crusty snow we have looks like dinosaur turds. It's gross and dirty looking almost like we look. This would be the time for those up in the counties, the boondocks, and past the notch to take their first bath of the season. Don't judge, oil is expensive and you try heating enough water to fill a bathtub on a wood burning stove. We've now officially removed one full later of clothing. It will snow again but we've chucked our care in the fuck it bucket...we're hardy souls.
Near Spring. Near Spring is when we string more than four days in a row with temps above 40. We get all showy and wear spring jackets with big winter scarves and short boots...and attempt to jump two foot deep puddles and the mud bog our driveway has turn into. This should not be confused with mud season, that comes later, just before black fly season. This is the time you realize your dog sure does poop a lot and your neighbors have been piling their trash near the end of your driveway. The eat a lot of Tortinos pizza, Little Debbie Nutty Bars, and Hawaiian Punch; which explains why all their kids are wall-eyed freaks.
Almost Spring. Almost spring is that one day it reaches 50+ degrees and we go all nuts and wear shorts without considering the chances of blinding someone with our glow in the dark white legs. Thank goodness in our rush we forget to shave. Hairy legs keep the solar glare down. We walk around town smiling and waving at those people who we would never consider being friendly with any other day of the year. We often witness some goddamn fool drive their winter beater* into a pothole the size of a swimming pool. We scavenge for auto parts and returnables.
One Step Back. One Step Back is the day it snows 13" in April. We fear we are doomed plus we have a house full of tomato seedlings needing a home. We think about going down to channel 6 and punching Joe Cupo•• in the face.
And finally,
Practically Spring. This is as close as it gets folks. Practicality Spring is warm weather, cold weather, rainy, sunny, oh look the grass is green is that sleet did I just see a bee is that the sun, time of the year. We shave, pull on our high socks, grab shorts, sunscreen, winter jackets and our DD iced coffee and collectively yell...WOOOOHOOOO!
Then we either freeze our butts off or develop heat rash.
You don't have to be crazy to live here...but it helps!
Now I'm off to put on my fuzzy slippers, notch up the thermostat and put aloe on my sunburnt knees.

*winter beater...a car or truck you paid two hundred bucks for because only one door opens and the thermostat is stuck on wowee. You drive it until May 1st at which time it mysteriously disappears.

••Joe Cupo, beloved WCSH meteorologist. We would never punch him in the face. We may throw snowballs at him or accidentally kick him but we don't condone violence against our man Joe. 

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The Mail Bag

I receive mail from time to time, a few are even not threats of bodily harm or marriage proposals. Which if you think about it for a second is sort of a threat.

So here are a few of the latest questions I've received from my adoring fans.

1. How many people are you? I don't think you're a person but rather, people. I bet my friends "you" are really three people. Signed Monica from Detroit.

    Dear Monica from Detroit, I am only one person. I have a multiple personality disorder (think, Viki & Nikki from One Life to Live but with far less money). Sometimes I even let my lady mustache grow and make everyone refer to me as SeƱor Marco. So you lose!

2. I can't imagine one single person in this whole world would want to marry you. I bet the husband you mention doesn't even exist and you're just a messed up old lady living with her cats in a rooming house. Signed Richard P.S. can you send me a photo?

   Dear Dick, You are right not one single person will marry me but two single people did. I'm currently married to Husband Number Two - Sparky. He installs windshields on submarines. Husband Number One was an unfortunate event (mostly for him). I am a messed up old lady and I have a cat so you were very close to describing me. I think I have hear your mother calling you up for dinner so I better let you go. Sorry but your photo request has been denied based on the unsolicited photo you sent might want to have that thing looked at by a professional.

3. You use too many swear words and made up words in your posts. Other than that you're pretty funny and I like your recipes. Signed Berdina in Germany.

   Dear Berdina, thanks for reading my hilarious and stuperfuriously entertaining blog. I am happy you enjoy my recipes especially since so many of my regular asshat readers don't seem to care about my kitchen escapades. I hope my wit isn't lost in translation. That would be pissah.

Keep your questions coming! But Christ stop sending me booty call requests you filthy pigs!

Monday, February 17, 2014

House of Cards Ruined My Life

NOTE - NO spoilers in this post! Rest assured if you haven't started season 2 you can proceed without fear.

One of my friends sent me a text yesterday telling me he was spiriling out of control after watching 4 straight episodes of HoC. I didn't have the heart to tell him I am so far below rock bottom that I can see China.  My life no longer has meaning since Frank Underwood came back into my living room. On Valentine's day no less.

Ahh Frank Underwood, you sexy, disgusting, sick, egotiscal, Antichrist douche bag. I know in scene after scene of HoC it's me you're talking too when you smirk at the camera. I'm terrified to turn my eyes away from you. Afraid you'll see weakness and send you're equally horrible wife or henchman Doug Stamper after me. I'm oddly in love and hate with you at the same time. You make me want to scream, kick the TV, and turn away...but I never do Frank because I get a kick out of you. You and all your horrible and evil behavior. Your wheeling and dealing and backroom schemes and quadruple dog dares. How you make it through a day without being stabbed is beyond me. But I love you just the same. Even if watching you has completely ruined my life.

Frank, I have no clean clothes, I'm wearing a paisley shower curtain as a mumu Frank. I can't step away from the TV in case I miss something. I'm unable to hit pause because what if I can't restart? I'm eating dry oatmeal and drinking juice boxes here Frank because my fear and loathing of you has made me unable to leave my home. I'm afraid to look away lest you pick that exact moment to take over and subsequently torpedo the government. Oh Frank you taciturn little boy in a fine cut suit, I want to save you from yourself and rid the world of you in the same breath. You had me a "I love that woman. I love her more than sharks love blood.". 

I am drunk in love with you Frank Underwood. Even if I have to constantly use hand sanitizer while your on the screen. You make me feel unclean. So unclean that holy water wouldn't be enough to undue all the vile you spew just tying your shoes.

I can't decide if I need an intervention or exorcism.

Ooh gotta go...there is a dark SUV in my driveway. I think its Meechum. 

Wednesday, February 05, 2014

I Need A New early February crisis

I need a new career. It's my annual winter crisis. Boredom cuppled with an empty bank account causes this hysteria every winter.

Yesterday while I was lying around the gynecologist office with my pants off wishing I was a anywhere else with my pants on (or off I'm really not picky) I thought to myself...I'm 51 and I've yet to reach the stardom I thought sure I'd have reached by now nor am I infamous which some would have said was a distinct possibility.

So after a large chunk of my uterous was ripped away for further testing I started coming up with career ideas and why they might or might not work. Here are a few;

1. Comedian - I'm moderately funny on paper. I'm odd looking on the best of days, like a female Rodney Dangerfield, my family provides a plethora of material but I'm 51, live in Maine and as noted I'm female. Maine is known for moose and tourist. Ayup that's a strike.

2. Dog Whisperer - I just tried it. One of my dogs burped in my face, the other walked away while I shouted "come baaaack" so obviously this is a poor idea.

3. Fashion Designer - I like clothing. I like wearing nice, well fitting comfy clothes. But I live in jeans,  Chuck Taylor's, and concert t-shirts from Goodwill plus flip flops and bathing suits. Not sure I'd be good for my own brand image. Plus I'm built like mashed potatoes.

4. Baker of Bread - I can bake and I bake great bread. But I don't have a commercial kitchen and kitchen rental costs money. And I'm already built like mashed potatoes and lumpy sour dough. Plus I like to feed people and taking money for it would be weird.

5. Pope - I'm Catholic... That's all I got.

6. Professional Coffee Drinker - I love coffee and I actually know a lot about coffee but the last time I went to Starbucks I was stopped for going 45mph in a 30 and I'm pretty sure I was so hopped up on the bean that I scared the nice young policeman.

So I'm obviously having a hard time choosing what I want to do. Any suggestions?
Dressing like an an adult more than two days in a row is not an option. Wearing a uniform or being uniform is not an option. Stripping is probably not an option.

I stole this from the web. This is not me.